Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Essay 1 review
Peer review went good, pretty smooth. Recieved some suggestions like to add details about mackinaw island. Which I will. Strenghts are mainly the detail in most of it, not a whole lot of weaknesses from the reviews I got. I don't think I need much help, it should turn out pretty good now.
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Jason,
Your road trip sounds fun! You could almost expand it into a much larger piece. While I think you have a lot of great stories to tell, each one moves rather quickly onto the next. I would select a few (like 2 or 3) of the most meaningful/important parts of the trip and focus solely on those. Unless of course you want to write well beyond the minimum of three pages. Let me give you an example of what I mean. On the last page you tell a really interesting story about seeing the sisters on the ferry--this could potentially be one of the most powerful aspects of your story. But as quickly as you bring it up, you are on to the Falls section.
Sometimes when we tell chronological stories we feel obligated to include every detail and leg of the journey. In this instance, be willing to cut some of the parts that aren't as strong as the others (think the paragrah in Harrison on page 4). What you want to do is let the reader relive the moments with you and this is difficult to do if the reader doesn't have time to fully engage before off to the next topic.
So, in terms of revision you've got a lot of different options. You could pick a few select moments and tell the story in chronological order or you might think outside the box a bit and tell the story from the moment on the ferry when you witness the connection among the sisters. Perhaps you use this trigger inspiration as a tool to look back on the journey you and your sister have been on during the roadtrip (and life) and go from there.
You have so many great ideas here, Jason, that this will surely be a strong piece if you are willing to cut, chop and reorganize a few things. Let me know how I can help! Can't wait to read your next draft!
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